Tuesday, September 25, 2012

We Digress........

The last 2 weeks have been frenetic.  I agreed to fill in for a colleague who went on holiday overseas.  This meant instead of my 3 lectures a week, I would be doing 9.  Well after 17 lectures I really thought I had it waxed.  I was rolling with the punches, answering questions and being animated, all while trying to maintain vocal contact (my voice was disappearing fast). Fortunately my colleague is a perfectionist so I got a CD, notes, copied pages from the text, everything I needed for each lecture.  All I had to do was prepare for class the night before and I was A for away.  The first lecture I was diligent and was 110% prepared.  When I got to class however, I realized that I had prepared for the following week’s lecture and had nothing on the planned one for that day - oops.  So, I lectured for the stipulated 2 hours and each and every slide was never seen by me before!  This method of lecturing definitely keeps the heart pumping! 

After that little mishap, I triple-checked everything and I was doing really well (if I may say so myself).  But then came the final lecture.  Now there’s something about substitute lecturers and  final lectures that get students nutty so I should have known.   Firstly, out of the 39 students only 6 arrived for class (apparently nobody understood that they should study for a test that they were writing the following day and they suddenly realized that they were running out of time.  Hmmmm.  Anyway when I got there the numbers had increased to a massive 12 (I heard one of the students saying “we’re only going cos we like her lectures” – HUGE ego boost)  I obviously assumed that “her” was me *don’t burst my bubble* 

Anyway it was a fun lecture and pretty soon we got onto very interesting topics of discussion.  We were studying culture and I used circumcision as an example of a cultural belief/ ritual.  One student shared that she was from Nigeria and circumcision is the norm, but her brother married a Greek lady who obviously vehemently disagreed with this ritual and viewed it as genital mutilation.  This apparently sparked a family dispute which reached epic proportions when the couple visited with their 3 month old son and the family refused to accept any male child with a foreskin into their family!  The disagreement raged on and one night the couple went out leaving Granny to babysit.  Need I say more??………  yes, she actually had him circumcised without the parents’ knowledge or consent while they were at the movies!  As expected, all hell broke loose after that, including threats of extradician to Greece for prosecution!   Talk about a great example of different cultures – wow!

The conversation soon turned to the fact (not sure if it’s a fact) that in Johannesburg alone 58 000 legal abortions have been performed year to date.  This horrific statistic moved the conversation onto condoms and unwanted pregnancies.  I voiced my opinion that people should use condoms more out of value to themselves and their lives, with more of an intention to avoid contracting an STD than falling pregnant.  Pregnancy = life, some STDs = death.  And the opinions started flying!  Eventually we had a showstopper – one student at the back who never utters a word, suddenly shouted out “just do it in the bum!”

*silence*

Not much leaves me speechless but this comment really did.  The laughter was explosive, but that was not all, another very quiet girl who obviously didn’t understand the comment wanted to clarify “so you can’t fall pregnant if you do it from behind?”  OMW!!  The lack of sexual education amongst these students floored me!

Now the A-students were beginning to fidget because this was going waaaay off topic so they were trying desperately to get me back to the lecture, but I felt I had to intervene.  Marketing took a backseat as I felt that education of a different nature would be more beneficial at this point.  I spent the next 15 minutes explaining EXACTLY how you fall pregnant and EXACTLY how to put a condom on, why they shouldn’t use abortion as a method of contraception and the fact that ARVs are not the silver bullet that allows you to live forever.  Sad to say, but I have never had such an interested class and they thanked me profusely when they left, saying that they had actually learned something!!  Just goes to show that sex sells.

My colleague returned well-rested from her fantastic trip abroad and I was more than thrilled to hand the reigns back to her. Looking back, it was hectic but I learned a lot and all in all I had a lot of fun. The students stood to attention and sang happy birthday to me, we shared a lot of laughs together and we got a lot of work done.  I learned from this experience that lecturing full time is not as easy as it seems.  I also was reminded of what life is like with an inflexible job and how miscommunication can lead to a child being left at school for longer than was planned.  But mostly I was reminded to be grateful for the wonderful arrangement I have with the company I work for, as it is home-based which allows me to take a break and give Lettuce a big cuddle and a kiss whenever I want to. PLUS I am blessed to be able to hear his gentle "goy goying" while he goes to sleep – best stress-reliever in the world. 

Friday, August 31, 2012

50 Shades of Grey - Book Review

Disclaimer
Before you start reading this review it is important that you understand that this is my opinion and I do not apologise for it.  It is contraversial and I don't expect many people to agree with me.  I do ask however, that you read it through, consider my comments and then make up your own mind.  

I love to read but with three small children I have very little time to indulge in this time-consuming pastime so I expect a lot from a book, and to be honest, most times I am happy that I have taken a break from reality to enter a new world that was born from someone's creative soul.  I have never felt the need to write a book review since Grade 8 when it was part of my school curriculum.  That was until I read this book.


The Lead Up
The first time I heard about this book was on a Facebook status that read "50 Shades of Grey, more like 50 Shades of Boring".  Everyone who commented agreed with the originator saying it was poorly written and really trashy, so I made a mental note to remove that particular book from my "to-read" list.  I was happily having my hair done a few weeks later when my hairdresser (knowing I was a sitting duck for at least an hour and a half) began telling me and the client next to me, about this book that she lovingly referred to as "50 Shades."  I told her about my one-and-only review that I had read and mentioned my resolve never to read it and she was quite plainly horrified.  Desperately trying to convince me, she waxed lyrical about how it had improved her marriage and her sex life and how the sex scenes were so magnificent that she literally couldn't put it down.  I wasn't convinced.  I had to wait for my blonde bits to get blonder so she went off to continue reading "50 Shades."  She was so engrossed in The Book that I was honestly concerned that my hair would turn orange while she was outside swooning over the next instalment of Anastasia and Christian's torturous affair.When she returned I could see that she was still really upset with my view, even though I did mention that I had not read the book myself and this was in fact a friend's view.  I tried to save the conversation by mentioning that I didn't think I'd like the book anyway because I'm not really a YOU magazine type of person. Shortly thereafter I was whisked off for hair-washing, where I overheard her and client number 2 discussing who would play Princess Di in the new movie that she had read about in that week's YOU.  Oops!  How to make friends and influence people Lisa, well done! [Note to self: remove foot from mouth when you get home]

After a long hair wash I rejoined the conversation where she eventually convinced me that if so many people loved the book, I couldn't knock it if I hadn't read it.  She did have a point, so by the time my flowing mane was blonde again, I had promised to consider reading The Book.  [sidebar: may I mention here that 3 days after this particular visit to the hairdresser, my mother asked me when I intended "doing" my hair again as it looked well-overdue for some colour!!  Perhaps the YOU magazine comment wasn't too well-received and she cursed me to be brunette for 6 weeks *horror*]

Anyhoo, my kind and loving husband downloaded the first chapter of The Book onto my iPad and I braced myself for the sexual onslaught.  Imagine my surprise (and disappointment) to find that the first chapter was a bit of a wishy washy Mills and Boon type of story that really didn't capture my attention at all and I was reminded of my friend's "boring" comment.  So when hubby asked whether he should buy me the whole book I wasn't too keen.  A few days later we went out to dinner with some friends of ours who we hadn't seen in a while and just before dessert she leaned over with bright, excited eyes and asked in a conspirator's whisper whether I'd read "50 Shades?" I explained where I was on that and again the horror on her face took me aback.  She was halfway through it and it apparently just got better and better. The love story was apparently something out of this world and I was informed that Time magazine ran an article on how even rope sales had increased because of women reading The Book and wanting to emulate the steamy portions in their own love lives.  In retrospect this should have rung a huge warning bell in my head, but it didn't. After hearing this bit of news, hubby instantly thought he would be able to find a use for the rope he had stashed in the garage for the last 5 years, so the very next evening he came home with a paperback version of The Book.  Hmmmm.  Now the practical and curiosity part of me kicked in and I thought, well I've got it, I might as well find out what the fuss is all about.  Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised......

The Book
I read The Book.  In fact I think I probably read it twice by the time I had turned the last page.  It took me almost 5 weeks to finish.  Where others battled to put it down, I battled to pick it up and when I did I had to re-read the 5 pages before to try to remember what had happened before I put it down.  I also found my mind wandering like it did while I was studying, thinking about what I should make for dinner or who I hadn't seen in a while, but more often I reverted to my ever-increasing to-do list which was put on the back-burner during my reading sessions. 

I must admit that I was a bit shocked that the book was about S&M.  Now I wasn't born yesterday so the acts did not shock me, but out of all the women who "loved" the book, nobody had mentioned in their glowing reports that the story was really about a dominant and submissive scenario.  I was led to believe that it was a beautiful love story, so the S&M was completely unexpected.  I think the reason it shocked me is that while I was reading, I knew that millions of women globally were trying to emulate these acts which did NOTHING to excite me, in fact it turned my stomach.  I'm just as keen as the next person to read a bit of "clit-erature" but seriously, no amount of adjectives describing the god-likeness of the protaganist was going to make me feel any attraction towards him once I got to this part.  The Book was indeed poorly written but not in the way I had expected.  It had moments of "all-rightness" but the part that irritated me was that certain explatives and sentences were repeated ad nauseum throughout the book and the email messages back and forth and the lengthy legal documents could really have been reduced by 75%.  

The Spoiler - in a nutshell
Basically, Anastasia the virgin student meets Christian the 27 year old billionaire who sweeps her off her feet, wines and dines her, showering her with expensive gifts, impressing her with his fabulous good looks and extensive bank account.  She thinks they're going to have a "vanilla" relationship but he is into whips and chains and wants an "arrangement."  He has a fully kitted-out "Red Room of Pain" in which he enjoys inflicting pain on her, while he gains sexual pleasure.  She is instructed not to look at him and to cower naked in the corner until he bids her otherwise.

On their first date he hands her a legal document to sign which does not allow her to disclose anything about their relationship to friends and family and a second legal document follows shortly thereafter which basically spells out that she will be submissive in his presence, he will dictate what she wears, what she eats, how often she exercises and how long she must sleep.  Together with these rules she has to stay in a room in his penthouse (swoon, it is so tastefully decorated) every weekend without socialising with any of her friends or family and obviously she is forbidden to discuss his lifestyle or as he calls himself "50 Shades of F*cked Up."  He continues, in the document, to list his preferences of sexual apparatus that he would like to use on her, ranging from Butt Plugs to Genital Clamps (oh yes please can I?) and it also includes the code words for when the pain becomes too great (but that never happens because she resolves never to show him any weakness).  His jealousy frightens her and she often re-thinks her words so as not to upset him.  Although sexually heightened by this beautiful creature, she is so humiliated by his "spankings" that she leaves him and the book ends with her crying because now she's all alone.  She wonders to herself whether she should rather just do what he wants because then she can be with him.

The Message
Now this story is all fine and well and I have read raunchier, better-written novels, BUT the message that I got from this book is that even though Anastasia thinks that Christian's behaviour is wrong and immoral, she goes ahead with it anyway because she is infatuated by his power, his presence, his charm and good-looks.  Above all, she desperately wants him to like her. She continuously goads him into re-confirming his attraction to her and she cannot believe that he could possibly like her.  Her low self-esteem has led her to believe that she is plain and uninteresting, so she needs to try to keep him.  This spells a recipe for disaster.  Not only is she unable to confide in her friends and family, who she admits would be appalled, she allows Christian to control her.  He brings in his own doctor (at huge expense) to put Anastasia on the pill, continuously asks her if she's "still bleeding?" and then my personal favourite, while cowering in the "Red Room of Pain" he bends her over, yanks out her used tampon (YUK!!) before he has rough sex with her, continuing until she is sore because he likes her to be sore - WTF??

So the glaring issue that I have with this "relationship" is that she enters into it planning to change him, to make him love her and not just use her for his warped sexual pleasure and dismiss her, as he has 15 others before her.  She allows him to inflict pain on her even though she feels cheap and used because afterwards he showers her with positive attention and thanks her for taking the beatings and even allows her to stay with him, even though that is "against the rules."  The Book openly portrays her as a bright but naive girl lacking in self-worth, who stumbles into this affair with little or no knowledge of the world in which she is expected to perform.  In my opinion this shows an abuse of power and smacks (pardon the pun) of domestic violence where men inflict pain on women and when it's all over they apologise and lavish her with attention.  In abusive relationships women keep going back because when the beatings are over the men apologise and are at their most attentive. 

I quickly Googled abusive relationships and got the following: (sound familiar?)

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Do you.....
  1. Feel afraid of your partner?
  2. Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
  3. Feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
  4. Feel that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
  5. Feel emotionally numb, helpless or out of your depth?

Does your partner.....
  1. Humiliate you?
  2. Treat you in a way that you are embarrassed for your friends and family to see?
  3. Blame you for their own abusive behaviour?
  4. See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
  5. Have an unpredictable temper?
  6. Hurt you or threaten to hurt you in any way?
  7. Act jealous and possessive?
  8. Keep you from seeing your family and friends?
  9. Control where you go or what you do?

Anastasia would have to answer yes to all of the above, but apparently, according to The Book and the women who promote it as a love story, if your partner is young, gorgeous, successful and wealthy then we can ignore these classic signs of abuse and go all weak-kneed that the abuser, Christian Gray wants Anastasia Steele and she can make him love her!




The Final Word ....... well almost
I have read better books, even bad books were better.  Maybe I am alone in my thinking that people have been brainwashed into thinking that this is a love story or maybe I have too much self worth, self pride and far too strong a "sh*t radar" to even contemplate any beauty in this type of "love story."  I find it quite sickening but what saddens me the most is that this is obviously what middle-aged suburban housewives are fantasizing about behind closed doors, being abused by a beautiful man in the "Red Room of Pain," even though they probably have a wonderful man in their own living room. 

I love the fact that couples are using parts of The Book to spice up their sex lives together, but these are presumably couples who started off in the "vanilla" way and I am the eternal optimist, so I am sure that love came first to these couples and now they are just playing with different scenarios to improve their sex lives, which is great.  However for younger readers, I think The Book is immoral and sends a dangerous message to young girls who, like Anastasia, think it's necessary to do anything and become anyone to land the hot billionaire (and their swooning mothers agree!!)


The Final Final Word
But the marketer in me has to admit that E.L. James has embraced the Marketing Concept which has eluded numerous companies for decades - she has seen a need and given the public what they want.  Unfortunately the ethical portion of marketing which is often overlooked in the hype of shock-value reads such as these, is glaringly necessary to ensure some sense of morality as it seems that some moral compasses are stuck.

Apparently there are three books and Anastasia does eventually manages to change Christian and they get married and live a luxurious lifestyle.  Personally I think there was so much waffle that the three books could be put into one but if people are prepared to buy three books and triple the author's growing royalties, then lucky her! 

I have been told that I am over-thinking this book and that it is not supposed to be "an intelligent read" (I'm not sure how to turn off my intellect, I still haven't learnt how to switch off my opinionated views, of which this review is one of them).  Speaking of intellect, why the increase in rope sales??  Christian is too classy to use rope!  He uses silk neck ties from his extensive wardrobe and cable ties, which are far cheaper and apparently more effective restraints, who knew? 





Sunday, July 8, 2012

The Day I Met Lettuce - by hubby


This Blog Post is not written by me.  It is written by my awesome hubby.  This story will be published next month in a pregnancy magazine and on a pregnancy guide website.  So many people have asked for a copy of the original, so here it is - adapted to the BLT format of course.......


This is the story about the first time I held my newborn son Lettuce, in my arms. But before we get there here is some background.

Background 
Lettuce has two sisters Tomato who is 5 and Bacon who is 3. Lisa, Mommy to all 3 was not happy to give birth in a hospital again, as she had done with Tomato and Bacon, so on some advice from a good friend we decided to have a home birth with a Midwife and a Doula.

After Lisa had been to a few sessions with Sharon the Midwife, it was time for me to attend a class for “supporters.” Here we learned what we needed to know and do during the birthing process, how to set up the room and birthing pool, and make sure we had all the stuff ready for the big day.

I must say I was not looking forward to the class, I was rather apprehensive about what would be expected from me and whether I would be focused on the day and not just a nervous wreck. But when Sharon got to the part about what to do if the baby comes before the Midwife, all the supporters were in shock I think. Reality struck that nature will happen as intended and we don't really have that much control. I had a sense to pay very careful attention to what was being said and demonstrated. Every possible scenario was played out, from everything going well, to having to cut the cord from around the baby’s neck. I left the session feeling rather drained.

When it was time, things kicked into gear and we prepared the room for the birth. We hired a birthing pool and I followed a long list of things to do. Let’s just say things were set up like a maternity ward in there. Now that I think back, I really did not feel a connection to all that I had done, I just had this feeling that it was all for nothing.

A week or so passed and the big day was drawing near. Lisa went for some more checks and Sharon came around to check on progress, but little Lettuce was enjoying himself far too much and stayed in past the “due date.” After a week, all the medical professionals were getting a little concerned. So more scans and checks to see the progress. For the last scan we went to the clinic late one night and found that Lettuce was not in any stress, but the Doctor was concerned that he was getting too big and would not be able to be delivered naturally.

Later the next day, our whole home birth plan was ended when the Doctor recommended that Lisa be checked in for a Caesar. Our whole “better” plan had brought us back to being in a hospital. Together with Sharon we managed to get the Doctor to agree on induced labor in the clinic as a first phase, with a Caesar as a last result.

So it was pack up the whole room at home, pool and all and get ready to do it all at the clinic the next day.

I remember feeling incredibly tired, but pushed through and packed all the stuff in the car ready for the next day. We had made plans with family to help out with Tomato and Bacon and we were ready to face whatever the next day had to offer.

The Birth 
It is around 7:45pm on October 19 2011. I take Tomato and Bacon upstairs to bed. I follow the normal routine, read a story and tuck them in. Lisa says she will meet me upstairs but she doesn’t arrive. The girls would normally complain if Mommy didn’t kiss them goodnight, but they doze off without a peep.

I go back downstairs and find Lisa having some contractions, she says they feel different and is about to call Sharon. Sharon suggests that Lisa gets in the bath to see if they calm down. Lisa is undecided about that and actually just wants to go to the clinic right away. I know this is it.  The car is packed, we are ready and it would just be now instead of tomorrow. I dash out to Dot, our domestic worker’s room, and say “Dot please come inside and watch Tomato and Bacon, I think we are about to rush off to the clinic.” I then call my Mom to ask her to come over in case Dot has problems with the girls, but I cannot get hold of her.

At this point we are back inside and Lisa has gotten herself into the bath.  The contractions are not dissipating, so I call Sharon.  I say “Lisa says she just feels like pushing.” Sharon says “Get her into the car and meet me at the clinic.” I manage to get Lisa sitting up in the bath and she says she just wants to sit there for a few minutes, at which point she says “We need to pack a heater in the car!” which I had not thought of.  I dash back downstairs, fling the heater in the car and rush back upstairs to help Lisa out of the bath.

As I walk into our bathroom I find Lisa out of the bath, standing next to the basin, and looking down at the floor, which is covered with fluid, blood and mucus. It looks rather bad, but it is just her water that has broken. Needless to say we are both a bit freaked out.

With our other two births, the Gynae had to break the water, after which both Tomato and Bacon were born within minutes. This is the first thought that goes through my mind, the baby is coming, and we only have a few minutes.

I grab Lisa’s phone and call Sharon, she is well on her way to the clinic, and has to turn around, but is on her way. It’s now 8:45pm. Suddenly my training kicks in and I start to give Lisa orders. “Get on your hands and knees, get your chest as close to the floor as possible.” The steps are playing out in my mind, this is going to move the baby away from the birth canal a little, and buy me some time. Just then my phone rings, it is my Mom, I try to explain, but I cannot and I have no time, I just put the phone down (sorry Mom). I grab Lisa’s phone again, it’s now 8:50pm, and call the paramedics. A very nice lady answers, but keeps me on the phone for what seems like an eternity. I eventually give her all the details she needs, including telling her Lisa was 2 years older than she was (sorry Li). I am now sitting on the floor behind Lisa, watching for the baby and needing to make one more call. The guards at the front gate need to know that a Midwife and ambulance are on the way, and to please let them in. It’s now 8:56pm.

I put the phone down on the basin, and tell Lisa, we are ready to do this. In my mind I am seeing the last scan we had, Lettuce would now be lying on his back, and we know the cord was not around his neck. I feel sure that everything will be fine and I can do this. I tell Lisa “Push when you are ready.”

Our whole world just goes quiet and calm. We are all alone, the most primal humans can get. Lisa doesn’t scream, just grits her teeth, and I see Lettuce’s head crowning, my hands are ready, instinctively you want to help, but that’s not what you should do, I am keeping my hands wide open, because if you clench you don’t know that you are hurting the baby. All this time I am telling Lisa what’s happening, I can see his forehead coming out.  I see Lettuce’s eyes and nose appear, and then suddenly his head is all the way out. It drops back and rests in my gentle hand. His mouth opens to release a fountain of amniotic fluid, straight onto my chest. It’s just amazing that his body, now in the birth canal was so compressed that his lungs were squashed empty.

Lisa starts to push again with the contractions, and I recall the Doctor saying his shoulders will be the hardest part. But Lettuce starts to rotate to the right and slips his shoulders out. I use my right hand and hold him with my middle finger in his right arm pit. The rest of his body then just slides out, and I grab his right thigh with my left hand. Another flood of amniotic fluid lands on the floor, along with the umbilical cord. I now recall thinking that the cord is actually quite long.

I stare down at him, just a few seconds old, a perfect creation, as he lets out a little cry with his first breath. And then goes quiet.  Lisa turns around slightly and says “Is he breathing?” I give him a few pats on the back. He coughs a bit and opens his eyes just for a second. I can feel his heart beating, and there is a faint breath coming from his nose. He is okay. I signal to Lisa to grab him as I pass him through her legs, this is the only way as the umbilical cord is still attached.

We struggle a little to pass him through Lisa’s legs and his bum drags a bit on the floor. I also recall thinking he does feel rather heavy. I jump up, and grab the two towels we have in the bathroom and put them around Lisa and Lettuce, as Lisa holds him to her chest, both of then naked. We check to see if he is breathing, and then we both look up at each other, tears just streaming down our cheeks. It is now 9:07pm.

I suddenly thought, the gate is closed and the front door is locked, the people can’t get in. I run to where Dot is sitting and tell her the baby is here and the Midwife is on her way, she must please open the gate and the door.

I run back to Lisa and Lettuce, spot the under floor heating switch, and turn it on and I sit down in front of them again. I take a breath and start to feel myself losing it. Lisa looks me straight in the eye and says “Now is not the time.” I gather myself and check Lettuce again, he is breathing, and his heart is beating, but he is just lying so quietly in Lisa’s arms.

Things are not over yet, the placenta is still inside, and will be on its way out shortly. I follow my teachings and feel for it, at which time I realize Lisa is torn quite badly, she is bleeding, but not seriously, so we are okay for now. Just then a voice calls from downstairs. It’s Andrea, the Doula. Sharon had called and said “You will get there before me, GO!”

Andrea looks at Lettuce, gives him a few more pats on the back, which gets him to cough up a last bit of mucus, at which point his breathing becomes normal. We all breathe a sigh of relief. He is fine.

Andrea then starts helping with all the mess and sends me off for fresh towels and soap. Within another 2 minutes Sharon arrives, and steps into action, between her and Andrea they sort everything out. We are well on our way to set up to cut the cord when the paramedics arrive. They are a little shocked and surprised to see we have everything under control.

I cut the cord and take Lettuce into my arms. With my shirt off we touch skin on skin, as I hold him close to my chest to keep him warm, with a fresh towel around us. I sit down on the edge of the bath, and realize that this is the furthest he has been away from Lisa. Meanwhile Lisa, sitting on a camping chair with a hole in it, is waiting for the placenta. Sharon looks at us and says, “So do you have a name for him yet”. I look at Lisa and then down at Lettuce, and tell her his full name.  A flood of joy comes over me as I realize, that was the moment he became Lettuce, a Spirit about to embark on a Human experience.

The placenta comes out with no problems. Sharon and Andrea get Lisa all cleaned up. But when Sharon has a look at Lisa’s wounds, we realize we need to go to the clinic, for what turned out to be many, many stitches. I manage to get hold of my Mom and my sister. They both come over to make sure Tomato and Bacon are okay, while we go off to the clinic. 

Before Lettuce has his first feed, on a mattress in our bedroom. We discover that he was born wighing 4.65kg and measured 56cm. No wonder things got a bit damaged down there.

Seeing as the ambulance is here, Lisa can be taken to the clinic lying down at least. My sister and I dress Lettuce warm and snug, and put him in the car seat. Lettuce and I then follow the ambulance to the hospital. He is only a few hours old and having an outing with Daddy already.

Lisa goes through a lot of pain, but we get home safe and sound, let everybody go home, and go to bed with our little bundle sleeping between us. Through all of this, Tomato and Bacon do not wake up. There must be some force that keeps them asleep when you need it most.

The next morning Tomato comes dancing into our room. Lisa signals for her to come and see what we have in the bed with us. She says “Your baby brother is here, and his name is Lettuce”. If only I could capture the look in her eyes. She jumps up screaming “BACON!!” and runs to get her sister out of bed. The two of them run back in, excited beyond belief.

Here we are, our little family, at home, together, enjoying this moment of a precious new life.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

On the Hop

OH MY WORD, WHAT A DAY!!!!

Well to be fair, it all started yesterday.........   (Friday)


Tomato's fancy expensive private school decided that the school should be closed for the teachers to become enriched (while we become impoverished I'm assuming?)  So Tomato did not go to school yesterday, putting pressure on me to have a jam-packed-fun-filled day planned for her.  Well, as luck would have it, my good friend arrived for breakfast with her latest attempt at Red Velvet Cake. I was raised very well (thanks Mom!) so I couldn't be impolite and refuse her breakfast offering, so we each had a large chunk for breakfast.  I could see the cogs turning in Tomato's head thinking "wow so THIS is what mommy does all day while I'm at school."


After that we headed to the local casino (yes she is 5 but could easily pass as 18 ;-).  She requested to go there because she had been banned on a previous occasion for bad behaviour (meltdown/ vloermoer) so it had been about 6 months since she'd been there.  I decided that I wouldn't say no for the whole morning.  Whatever she asked for I said "of course" and she was delighted as I have been accused on numerous occasions of either always saying no or "there is always something" (her way of saying are always strings attached).  So the morning went as follows:


  • Play on the iPad for 30 minutes (ok nearly an hour, I'm a shocking mother but I wanted to sleep more!  Don't judge me!!!!)
  • Red Velvet Cake for breakfast
  • Purple candyfloss on arrival at casino
  • Half an hour of kiddy arcade games and riding toys
  • Ice cream
  • Visit to the library (the cool bookstore there)
  • A huge sweet dummy that you keep around your neck (stickiness of note)
Needless to say we were on a sugar-high when we collected Bacon from school.

Anyway after such an awesome morning Tomato and Bacon played nicely for the rest of the afternoon and I then went to a friend's 45th birthday bash which promised champagne and canapes and boy did they deliver on that promise - wowee what an evening.  This was my first invitation since I was about 6 that stated a finish time 4pm - 8pm (i.e. don't freakin' stay late!!) but I was keen because the start time conveniently removed me from my usual daily responsibility of "suicide 3 hours".  On arrival I was introduced to Archie the bartender and we soon became bosom buddies.  Each glass of champagne had a marochino cherry in it and it is apparently rude to stick your fingers into Moet to dig out the cherry so I had to drink down to the cherry.  I know, it''s difficult to consume a whole bunch of cherries but I believe cherries have antioxidants and I was determined to get in my weekly quota of antioxidants even if I had to drink champagne to get them in.  It's winter, there are loads of bugs going around and I have 3 children to protect - don't judge me!!!

Anyway there was the biggest martini glass filled with the most divine dip on the table with fresh bread, so that was pure evil and the canapes kept coming, each one more divine than the first.  Once my RDA of antioxidants had been reached from my cherry festival, I moved onto a different strain of antioxidant - that of red wine.  Yes a few good glasses of red keeps the doctor right away.  We then finished off with creme brulee of which I am not a fan but this was AWESOME so I had about 4.  They were very small - don't judge me!!!!

Luckily this friend lives in my complex so I could get home without breaking any laws.  The hypocritical part of this evening was that I had told hubby to do a little detox move and not drink coffee for a few days and consume a lot more water in order for us to look a little more alive at our upcoming family photo shoot which was happening, wait for it......... yes, at 9am today!  

TODAY

Le Shoot
Today started veeeery early with a very dry throat and eyes that even though they were open, the pupils were barely visible.  I looked like Garfield on a Monday.  I gradually rolled out of bed to stop my cell phone alarm.  The phone had been carefully situated at the furthest point of the room in order for me not to be able to hit "snooze" 5 times.  I did try to bribe one of my small people to bring it to me but they were fighting about the ownership of a pair of shoes so my pleading fell on deaf ears.


I even impressed myself that we were all ready, showered, dressed, made up and most of us fed by the time the photographer arrived.  Hubby wrote an awesome story which is being published in a magazine and therefore the shoot.  It went very well, I forgot to put lipstick on but the fact that I was dressed with clean hair and a bit of make-up I thought I really couldn't complain.  Then came the dreaded words "shall we take a few shots in Lettuce's bedroom?"  Third child guilt rushed through me as I had to admit that it was still very pink (the girls had had very pink rooms).  The photographer reassured me that that wasn't a problem but I think the candy-striped bedlinen threw her a bit - oops!  In my defence he had puked on the first 3 covers and instead of reverting to using a towel like I did with the girls, he got Egyptian cotton pink candy stripes.  Don't judge me!!!!!  Anyway the photographer was great and she kindly took photos of the girls on their own and the  children on their own (in order of BLT so I may make that my background).  She said she would put all the photos on a disc for me, how kind was that?  


Le Bunny
During the week a friend on Facebook asked if anyone wanted Fluffy the bunny as she was a bunny of divorce and needed a new home.  It was love at first sight. Both Tomato and Bacon  are having their birthdays shortly and they have begged for a pet for over a year.  I had kinda promised them each a fish but when I saw this most beautiful white bunny, who looked like she'd overdone the black eye-liner, needing a home, I thought it was a sign that maybe the girls should get something a bit more warm and cuddly than a fish.  So hubby and I sneaked out to eyeball Fluffy the bunny while the girls stayed at home with sleeping Lettuce and Dot-the-domestic and all was well in the world.  


The lady who had Fluffy was really wonderful and gave us a lot of tips on what to do, where to buy a bunny house, what to feed her, all the low-down details that new bunny-owners require.  Fluffy was so soft and warm and when we got home, the girls were wild with excitement when they saw what I was holding.  Tomato ran towards the road shouting to nobody in particular "I've got a pet!!  It's a bunny!!"   She then ran back to see Fluffy and was starting to cry she was so happy.  We got it all on film it was precious.  







Le Temperature
Well luckily the photo shoot was at 9am because when Lettuce woke up an hour later, he was grumpy with a raging temperature - damn, that meant medicine.  So I dutifully measured out the medicine and put it into the bottle that he was about to drink.  Well try as I might, he didn't drink a drop.  So this left me no choice but to do the medicine in the mouth trick, of which I'm not a fan as this usually induces vomiting.   Long story short it worked like a charm and he went to sleep again.  We needed to get Fluffy a home and some food so we took the girls and Dot-the-domestic said she was home anyway, she'd listen for Lettuce.  So off we went, bought a beautiful little home and all the necessary stuff for Fluffy whose name had changed to Rosie, Snowball and Sparkle before going back to Fluffy by the time we reached home.   Everyone was having fun.  The girls ran off to check on Fluffy, hubby unpacked the car and took our part-time painter to the taxi while I went in to check on Lettuce.  Dot-the-domestic said he was fine and me being the detail queen asked for every detail since we'd been gone, had he woken up, how long, was he hungry......  Being used to my anal-self, Dot-the-domestic went through the past hour not leaving out any details.  Lettuce had woken up shortly after we left and she had given him a bottle and he was sleeping peacefully again...........  As she said the word "bottle" I felt a cold feeling rush right through me. "Which bottle did you give him?"


Le Panic
Yes, within the space of 1 hour my 7 month old baby had been given a double dose of medicine.  I tried to remain calm but I was battling to breathe.  Thankfully, working in the pharmaceutical industry I have made some AWESOME friends so I grabbed my phone and frantically phoned my friend who is a pharmacist as well as a mom.  Most moms are as paranoid as me so she knew I was completely freaked out.  I hadn't spoken to her for a while so she was was about to give me a hard time when she saw who was phoning her on a Saturday afternoon but what I LOVE about her is that she can switch from fun to business in 1 second flat and she doesn't beat around the bush.  She said "honestly, I don't know but wait I'll find out."  I knew she didn't work with this type of thing everyday but I knew if she didn't know she'd know someone who did. Her husband, also in the industry was with her and was able to confirm that it was not a major problem because of the tiny dosage but I should just watch him.  I was in tears convinced that he was going to die and it was all my fault.  I thanked her profusely, cried some more and then went to watch him like a hawk.  My friend then texted me to tell me that she had also contacted her brother-in-law who is a doctor and he said the advice was spot-on.  Didn't I tell you she was awesome?  Isn't that what a mom wants to hear, more reassurance?  I felt a bit of relief but mostly a lot of guilt.  How could I have been in such a rush that I left the medicine-filled bottle in his room?  It did enter my mind that I should throw it away but I got distracted with one of the girls and left the room without it.  Lettuce woke up about 5 minutes after all the commotion smiling and gurgling like his normal self.  I just held him and cried and cried and cried, so grateful that it didn't turn out to be anything serious but realising just how serious it could have been.


OK now you can judge me :'(








My gorgeous little boy















































Saturday, May 26, 2012

Heartbreak Hotel

This is an ongoing blog post for all the heartache that I, as a mother of 3 go through when I can't fix things for my child.  What I have learnt is that unfortunately I cannot fix everything, as much as I'd like to, to spare them the pain. 

Sometimes children just need to feel the sadness and hard as it may be, we have to sit on the sidelines and watch, yearning to help but knowing that there are times when there is nothing that we can do except to be there to pick up the broken pieces, hoping all the while, deep within our heart of hearts that they will come out unscathed, possibly with a valuable life-lesson under their belt.  Parenting is one of the hardest jobs I have ever had.

December 2016

Lettuce (5): I don't want you to go away again like when you were sick. I didn't like that (I had to go to hospital for surgery)


November 2016

Bacon (8): I don't have any friends to play with at break time so I play with Mema. Now that she's dead she can run and jump with me, she's not sick anymore.
November 2014

Tomato (8) was lying in bed last night and asked if I would get her the sharp scissors. When I asked her why she needed them, she told me that her skin is so sore that she wants to die and she thinks she can do that with very sharp scissors!!


October 2014

Bacon (6) had an eyelash on her cheek so I put it on my finger and told her to blow it and make a wish, which she did. Then she asked "I wished that Fluffy would come back." Fluffy our bunny died last year :-(


*****

My friend's 16 year old son was killed in an accident Click here to see the blog post for Kyle Lowry and I was there. I was very upset and poor little Lettuce didn't understand. In his very sweetest voice he said to me "Mommy why did you die?" which made me sob even more.


August 2014

Lettuce didn't want to sleep so Daddy told him sternly to lie down and go to sleep. Lettuce got mad and told Daddy to get out of his room "you shouta me, you get out, you ugly to me" Daddy was heartbroken.


July 2014

Lettuce aged 2 years and 9 months wanted to sleep on a mattress on the floor next to his cot. In the night he rolled under the cot and couldn't get back out. I heard a muffled cry and only then discovered him under there. He was sobbing :'-((


May 2014

Lettuce didn't want to sleep and kept coming downstairs. I had told him numerous times to go upstairs when eventually he just said "no." I got cross and said in a stern voice "go to bed or you"ll sit on the step" (which is timeout for a minute for every year of their age, his would be 2 mins). Hubby and I settled in and watched a TV show and after a while I suddenly realized that I could hear his sisters but not him. I called to Tomato asking where he was and she told me he didn't come upstairs. We panicked and jumped up, only to find a very sad little boy sitting on the step. He'd been there for an hour!!! I scooped him up and said "I'm so so sorry Bubby" and the tears welled up in his eyes and he said "Mommy shout-a me. I felt terrible!!


March 2014

Hubby went on a culinary course to learn how to make sauceages and was gone the whole day on a Sunday. Tomato said to me when he got back "I didn't realise how much I like having Daddy around until he wasn't with me. I thought I was having a really bad day (we couldn't go out because Bacon was ill) but when Daddy came home it turned into the best day of my life. I really love him you know."



January 2014

Bacon said out of the blue "Are you sure Fluffy is ok with your dad in heaven?" 


October 2013

Tomato said she doesn't know who she is if she doesn't have eczema


August 2013

Having a playdate at a friend's house and Bacon comes up to me with her big blue eyes brimming.  I asked her what was wrong and she said she wasn't allowed to play Snakes and Ladders.  I asked her why and she said "because it says you have to be 4 and I'm 5."  Awww shame she didn't understand that it's age 4 upwards!!


April 2013

Tomato's eczema is so bad she said to me "I like living here with you mommy, but I want to die, please let me go, I want to die"


January 2013

Tomato started Grade 1 and hates her new school.  She was told to tuck her shirt in and put her shoes back on when she took them off.  Also she can't go to the toilet whenever she wants to, she has to wait for break time.  She asked me to tell the teacher that she is very very scared.


*****

Tomato had to have her hair cut short because of the huge knot where she refused to brush it. We went out for dinner and she was very sad because all the children were staring at her because she "looks like a boy" when in reality the children were staring at her bleeding arms from her eczema. 


November 2012

Tomato screaming in the middle of the night "get it off me" and she means her skin that's itching and sore


September 2012

Lying with Tomato in bed and said "Mommy would you take away my eczema if you could?" I said  "Of course I would, I would even swap with you and take your eczema so that you don't have to scratch."  She replied " I wouldn't give it to you mommy.  I love you and I don't want you to suffer like me."


August 2012

Tomato woke up crying with blood all over her and her bed linen from her arms where she has once again scratched it raw.  I ran to help her, cleaned it up, put cream on and cuddled with her.  She said "how am I supposed to go to school tomorrow looking like this?"  Even though the weather is very hot, she wears her winter uniform to cover herself.  Makes me want to cry.  


*****

Nebulising Lettuce has got to be one of the most heart-breaking things a parent can endure. The screaming and struggling is almost too much for me to bear.


*****

Took the girls to the dentist today for the first time.  Bacon is fine, but the child that suffers badly from eczema, has just got glasses, has to wear an eye-patch for 2 hours a day, has an abscess on her tummy, is painfully shy and stresses about EVERYTHING, has 2 cavities and possibly needs root canal treatment which needs to be done under a general anaesthetic! SERIOUSLY????? 


*****

I was lecturing late and hubby was scheduled to fetch the girls.  I finished earlier than expected and sent him a text saying I would fetch Bacon and he just needed to fetch Tomato.  He misread the text and it took a good 10 minutes of playing "hide and seek" to try and find Tomato before I discovered that neither of us had fetched her :-(    Epic Fail!! Luckily she loved after-care so no harm done :-)


*****

I'd been working long hours and I hadn't been "at home" for a couple of days due to medical dramas.  Tomato said "I wish you'd stay at home and play with me.  I miss you sooo much Mommy" *guilt*


*****

Tomato got her glasses and they look adorable and she couldn't wait to show off her Hello Kitty frames at school.  Everyone loved them except her best friend who told her she looked ugly :-(


July 2012

Tomato will have to get glasses.  She seems pretty ok about it but then she said quietly "I hope the children don't tease me."


*****


Nothing breaks a mother's hear more than to see her little boy like this!  After "partial seizures" Lettuce needed an EEG which ruled out any issues - thank goodness!






Tomato said "Why does God hate me?  If he loved me he wouldn't give me eczema.  He must think that I'm a very bad person :-(


June 2012

Fluffy the bunny went missing for a night but was luckily found a few houses down the road. Tomato was inconsolable.  She also thought the bunny ran away because it didn't like her anymore :-(


May 2012

When I told Tomato that her older cousins couldn't come to her party due to school commitments she said "but I wanted Callum to shout at all the boys who tease me, now whose gonna do it?"  I told her daddy and I will do it and she walked off and said "that's not the same."


*****

Tomato has terrible eczema and has also suffered lately from stys in her eyes.  Today she told me "If I see a shooting star, I'm not going to wish for Christmas everyday, today I'm going to wish for no more stys"  :-(


*****

The children at school are teasing Tomato her about her eczema :-(


Comedy Central

This is a continuously updated post of cute, funny and amazing things said by and discussed with my BLT.....

August 2017

In the car with Lettuce and he shouts "there's a Ferrari," I was concentrating on the intersection so I asked "what color is it?" His reply? "snot color" Later I saw the car was luminous green, if his snot was that color he would be hospitalized!

July 2017

The cousins are here from the US so the kids are all sleeping together on the floor. We're doing our prayers as usual but it is very late. Tomato asks for the flight not to be delayed tomorrow as the other cousins are going home to Cape Town. Bacon asks what delayed means, so I said "it means it's late." We carry on to the next person who now says the same thing about the flight. Bacon pipes up, "I don't know why you won't just tell me." Huh? "Why won't you tell me what delayed means, so I go into a long explanation about what it means and she said "oh, I thought you didn't want to tell me because it was late and we needed to go to bed." She thought instead of answering her question, I was reprimanding her and telling her - it's late!!

June 2017

Bacon wanted to ride on the kiddy rides at a restaurant. I told her that she should use her own money for that. Her response "I don't want to waste my money." I laughed and replied "Then why should I use mine?" Her response? " You waste yours anyway on stuff like food."

*****

Tomato: "Are you going to have any more children?"
Me: "No. Three is plenty. Why?"
Tomato: "We need 2 more children because in my game I need a servant and a dog."

*****

Bacon and Lettuce were annoying me at dinner time by pretending their food was alive and the food on Lettuce's fork was talking to the food on Bacon's fork. I told them to stop playing with their food and eat properly. Lettuce asked if his food could say goodbye to Bacon's food before they stopped playing so I agreed. Lettuce's food says to Bacon's food "Bye bye see you in the toilet!"



May 2017

Lettuce, as I was dropping him off at pre-school "Mommy when you fetch me, remember I'm the one in the white shirt." then he thinks for a bit and adds "it might be brown when you fetch me but it will still be me."

*****

Lettuce's class at pre-school has an incubator with eggs in it, and the children are very excited waiting for them to hatch. Lettuce rushed over to me on the first day shouting "we've got an incubaker in our class." I think it SHOULD be called an incubaker lol.

*****

I say "who wants to be of assistance in the kitchen?" Bacon shouts, jumping up and down "me, me!" I happily thank her and ask if she's ready to start and she says "what's assistance?"

*****

Bacon and Lettuce are in the car and discussing the fact that Autumn leaves the trees naked. Lettuce asks Bacon "what happens if a tree needs to get married in winter? It will have to be naked!" Bacon smoothly responds "But it'll marry another tree, so that tree will also be naked and all the guest trees will be naked, so it'll be fine."



April 2017

Lettuce was zipping and unzipping a pencil bag and said dreamily "hmm zips are magical!"


March 2017

Lettuce was learning about white couples who adopt black babies (like his friend.) Then he saw a bi-racial couple and he asked innocently "wow, when did she adopt him?"


February 2017

I was on the phone when I heard the words that I never thought I'd hear..... "Mommeeeee!!! Lettuce is peeing on us from the balcony!" Sure enough that is what he was doing. When I reprimanded him he said solemnly, "I wasn't aiming at them."


December 2016

Lettuce (5): If you don't let me watch TV I'm going to shake my p#nis at you!

*****

I cut Lettuce's hair very short and I can't stop feeling it. When he wasn't listening and spent some time in time-out, which he hadn't for a while, I went to explain why he was on the step and he said he understood but as I walked away he said "but now you're not allowed to touch my hair anymore!"


November 2016

Tomato (10): Nobody wants to play with me, I have no friends (crying)
Bacon (8): I've got no friends so I play with my shadow
Lettuce (5): why does everyone want to play with me? I'm only one person, I can't play with EVERYONE (crying)


July 2016

Lettuce (4): Mommy were you friends with daddy when you got him?


June 2016

Lettuce (4): Daddy's p#nis is all bumpy but mine is smooth and nice. I like my p#nis


February 2016

Lettuce trying to say "pyramid" and calls it "pyramint" "parachute" is a "parrot shoot"


January 2016

Lettuce remembering that he got a car at Mema's somnil (funeral).


September 2015

Tomato moaning about homework "aaagghhhh I'd rather eat spinach than do this!"


August 2015

We changed the tunnel configuration of Super-stripe the hamster's cage. BL and T had to put the cage back on the counter. Panic ensued because it wouldn't fit under the cupboard where it usually sat. By the time I got there Tomato was saying "wow Lettucy that is VERY clever" he had told them to turn it around so it slid under easily. He is only 3.

*****

Bacon had a friend over to play. Tomato kept taking over so Bacon was in tears. I had to take Tomato aside and explain to her that it is her sister's turn to play with her friend and to let them play their own games. Tomato went upstairs and started mournfully singing "do you wanna build a snowman?"


July 2015

I was teaching the kids to sing Kumbaya. So I sang the line and then pointed to each child to sing the "Kumbaya" bit. The girls each did theirs and then when it came to Lettuce, he couldn't quite understand the word so he sang "cucumber." It was so cute but when we all laughed he went and sat on the step and cried.

My little dude (3yo) runs into my office, puts this down on my desk and whispers urgently "mommy, look after my snail" before running off. Lol

Lettuce's snail

June 2015

Every morning on the way to school there is a man handing out pamphlets on the road. The kids have made it into a game to get a pamphlet. Lettuce got his first one and brought it home saying "I got my pamflip"

*****

Tomato complaining that she doesn't want boiled eggs for lunch any more. "They make me toot (fart) and then the toot smells the same as the egg!"


May 2015

When I went to check on Lettuce tonight he had put on his own socks and new shoes!



April 2015

Lettuce was playing nicely with an older boy, the brother of Tomato's friend. Then he asked him "will you marry me?"


March 2015

Lettuce came running inside shouting excitedly "Daddy's got new wheels!" (he is crazy about any kind of wheel). When Hubby came inside he explained sheepishly "I took my car for a wash and now they're silver again instead of black!"

*****

Overheard tonight Tomato telling Bacon "I really love my bed but I love chocolate too" like mother like daughter!


February 2015

Every time we drive past a Mercedes Benz van, hubby ooohs and ahhhs over it and the kids now point them out whenever we see one. Tonight while I was lying with Bacon she asked me why Daddy didn't buy the van and I told her because it is very expensive. She thought for a while and said "Daddy can have all of my money that I've saved in my piggy bank, there's quite a lot in there." Awwwww


                                                                      *****

Lettuce looked into the bath and saw a fishmoth. He shouted out "mommy there's a fishmark!"

*****

I was getting undressed and Lettuce asked "where's your Bacon-button?" instead of belly button.

*****

Eating dinner one night Lettuce said to dad "hmmmm this is scrumdidilyumpcious!'




January 2015

In the car Tomato (8) was telling us a story about her friend, when she added "well she wasn't really a friend, more of an acquaintance really." Hubby and I had a chuckle because we didn't even know that she knew the word acquaintance, but she had used it correctly. Bacon who was dozing, heard us chuckling but hadn't heard what Tomato said so she shouts out "what is so funny about coitis??" Well then hubby and I collapsed!!

*****

Lettuce runs into hubby's office while I was working in there and says "I want the mini mote with the pink button" he means the remote control for the air conditioner.




December 2014

I said to Lettuce "go to the toilet before bed" to which he replied
"I did already!"
"When?"
"When I was in the bath with Bacon" Oops!


November 2014

Bacon was complaining that she couldn't brush her hair on her own because it had too many knots in it. Meanwhile her brother was happily brushing his short hair without a problem. He turned to me and said "girls have a lot of snots in their hair, but not boys! Boys have no snots!"

*****

Lettuce had removed his pants and undies and was standing bare-bummed, holding his pants over the sprinkler nozzle which was spraying, making his pants soaking wet. Tomato came outside and saw this and said to us "geez guys, you really did a good job raising him, now didn't you!!?"

*****

Overheard this morning "don't worry Lettuce, we'll just hide your p.enis so that you look like a girl!." The girls were playing Mommy and they wanted a girl baby! Not sure how they were going to do this! *hiding the duct tape*


September 2014

Dot-the-domestic was ill for almost 2 weeks so we had to fend for ourselves (shock-horror) so when daddy came downstairs in the nude, the kids were a little taken aback. He went to the clean-but-not-yet-folded laundry basket to rummage through for clean undies. Little Lettuce was behind him, watching him leaning over the basket and said innocently "daddy why does your p$nis look like an ice-cream?" We all collapsed laughing! Dad loved it when he added "a BIG BIG ice-cream!" LOL

*****

"Privates" seem to be a hot issue at the moment. I was changing Lettuce's nappy and Bacon was there. She said "you've got a baby p$enis boy" to which he replied " I got a big big p$enis" Dad was again thrilled to hear that Bacon responded with "no Bubby, Daddy's got a big one but yours is a little one."


August 2014 

The whole family is sick with chest infections and high temps. Last night Lettuce woke up screaming and it took me a while to wake up from my drug-induced deep sleep. By the time I got there he'd stopped crying, which is strange so I was worried. He was fast asleep. Tomato called me and said "don't worry I calmed him down and he went back to sleep" I was so grateful and she just said "that's what big sisters are for. We're not here for nothing you know!" Little super-star, especially since her temperature was one of the highest.


*****


Last night little Lettuce had another night terror. When I got to him he was sobbing. I picked him up and cuddled him and he just kept repeating over and over again "Mommy! There's no yoghurt in the fridge! There's no yoghurt in the fridge!" Obviously catastrophic for the little guy to run out of his favorite treat.

*****

Today Bacon caught sight of herself in my rear view mirror as she got into the car. She smiled at her reflection and said so innocently "God made me so beautiful, and I'm quite cute too!!"

*****

More night terrors and Lettuce tells me, at 3am that a helicopter and car (in his dream) were too loud and scary, shame.


July 2014

I called Lettuce to come to bed and he politely responded "no thanks!"

*****

Tomato asked me today if she had vomited on the aeroplane when she was a baby. When I told her that she didn't she turned to her sister and said "phew that's a relief! So I'm not allergic to flying!"

*****

The song We Are Never Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift was playing on the radio in the car. Tomato piped up "what's this song about?" So I explained what had happened and she asked "was she married?" I explained that she was just dating the man that she had broken up with and how it was important to date someone to see if you got on with them so if you do decide to marry them, you know them very well. I waited for the response and I wasn't disappointed:
B: Yes you need to see if they are a nice person first
T: You should go out for dinner to see if they eat with their mouth open
B: Or if they order juice and then when the waiter brings it they say "I don't want juice, I ordered water" but they didn't! Or if they burp or toot (fart) at the table!


June 2014

Lettuce said to me loudly "I want cock porn" meaning popcorn *gulp*

*****

Questions in the car from my BLT:
  • What does education mean?
  • Why do we blink?
  • Does 2 plus 2 equal 4?
  • How does a car go?
  • Why do you have to turn the steering wheel?
  • Why do we have to breathe?
  • Why do we need snot?
Hoo boy!!!



May 2014

Mother's Day:
T: I love you more than the salt in the ocean
B: I love you more than purple
T: I love you more than the stars in the sky
B: I love you more than my purple shoes
T: I love you more than the whole world
B: I love you more than my boots
T: I love you more than Spur!

I think they love me :-p


April 2014

Bacon told me that she didn't want to turn 6. I told her that she would have a party so maybe 6 isn't such a bad idea. She thought about it and then said "Ok Mommy I'll have the party but please remind me to turn 6 cos I might forget!"


March 2014

I say to Lettuce: "thank you my chicken" he says "I not a chicken, I Lettuce!"
Later I say "hello sweetie" he says "I not a sweetie........ I want a sweetie"

*****

Driving in the car Lettuce is strapped in a bit tight. "Mommy I can't make a toot!"


February 2014

Dot-the-domestic says "Hello Baby Boy" he replies "Hello Baby Dot"
Now it's "Hello Big Boy" - he says "Hello Big Dot"

*****

I was in the shower and Lettuce came running in shouting "mommy, mommy, mommy!" I opened the door a crack and said "yes boy?" He beamed and said "I wuv you" and puckered up for a kiss. *heart melts*


January 2014

Tonight while making dinner, I dropped the colander and the pasta flew all over the floor. I then dropped all the cutlery and missed the shelf in the fridge while putting stuff away and the food landed on me. I said "Geez, what is going on with me tonight??" Tomato says "Did you have alcohol Mommy?" Lol


*****

Bacon said "Why does Daddy wear a towel when he gets out of the pool at Granny and Grampa's house?" Me "because he takes off his costume and he doesn't want to walk around naked." Bacon "Why not? Granny used to change his nappies, she knows what he looks like naked, anyway we've ALL seen him naked so it's just silly that he hides his privates when we're there!"

*****

I asked Tomato to please take the swimming bag inside as I was carrying the shopping. She said "this is the last thing I'm doing, it's my day off today!"


December 2013

Bacon on Christmas Eve "please make sure daddy doesn't snore tonight, I want to listen out for sleigh bells"


November 2013

Toilet training day 3: Lettuce gives me a little smile while I'm on the phone and proceeds to wee onto the strip of plugs!! Luckily they were all off at the time or the result may have been shocking. 


*****

"Thank you for giving me the name Tomato mommy, it's a really lovely name" awww how cute is that?


September 2013

After I excitedly pointed out the Gautrain to Tomato, she asked "why do they call it a cow train?" 



July 2013

Tomato "Mommeeeee Lettuce just stuck his hand in the toilet and Bacon hadn't flushed yet!  He's all wet!!"  Glorious to wake up to this on a Sunday morning *not*


May 2013

Whenever we want to tickle the girls under their arms we say "here comes the armpit lizard" the other day Tomato said "why don't you try the (va) gina lizard?"  I nearly died laughing!!  I said "No, that's a snake!!"


April 2013

Bacon: "Mommy why did God put you in charge?"


*****

Tonight hubby and I were kissing in the kitchen. The girls were horrified! Tomato was shrieking "eeeeeew stop!!" We carried on to see what they would do so Bacon had her hands over her eyes and asked her sister "has it ended yet?" 



March 2013

You know you're living in the techno-age when you're reading a story and your 4yr old shouts "pause" so she can run to the loo and then comes back and shouts "ok play again"


January 2013

Tomato was holding a snail inside Aroma Cafe so hubby told her that the snail is asking to be put outside.  So she rolled her eyes and said "well how am I supposed to know that?  I don't speak snail!!"


December 2012

Tomato to her baby brother:  "Lettuce!  Don't stick your finger in my belly button!  I used to poo out of there when I was in mommy's tummy!"

*****

Tomato: "Oooh look at that big ball".  Hubby:  "That is the radar tower for the airport"  *silence*  then a little voice "Daddy, are you talking to me?"  Bacon chimes in "what's the big idea?"

*****

Me:  Daddy is going to be very cross if you don't go to sleep
Tomato:  Why?  You're the boss of the house
Me:  What does that mean?
Bacon:  Well, Daddy is boss of the iPads but when we have an accident and make a wee or a poo in our panties then we bring it to you cos you're the boss of that!

*****

Tomato (looking at a rude Mordillo puzzle):  Mema look here, this man is smelling that lady's (va)gina

*****


Tomato: "I kissed my boyfriend today" Me (stunned but with Zen-like calm): "Oh. How did that go?" Tomato: "It was ok, I got used to it eventually!! Now he says I have to call him Babe". Hoo boy  

*****

Bacon (4): I need white high heels for when I marry Gregan 



November 2012

Bacon got very upset when I called her Bacon - "that's not my name!!!"

*****

I was about to leave to go to the airport and Tomato was quizzing me about flying.  "Ooooh I wish I could go in a plane, I would just open the window and touch a cloud"


October 2012

I was in my office, on the phone to the bank and Bacon was playing quietly while I was on hold.  She suddenly got up and said "I need to wee".  As she was running out she stopped and turned back and said to me "You!  Work!"

*****

Bacon not wanting to sleep.  "I'm a noc-turtle animal"


September 2012

Bacon: if a dog eats too many sausages it turns into a sausage dog. Gotta love 4 year old logic 


August 2012

At Aroma Cafe, eyeing the feast table, Tomato says to me "Mommy would you like to share a slice of chocolate cake with me?"  Very clever!

***** 

Bacon - "Mommy why do you decorate your face?"

*****

Tomato - "I know you Mommy, you're a cheeky chocolate-eater. (Ok I may have eaten one or two of her chocs)


July 2012

Tomato sitting on the hot bathroom floor sang at the top of her voice all the words to "I wanna be a billionaire, so freakin bad......"  "I wanna be on the cover of Forbes Magazine, standing next to Oprah and the Queen"  Again, private schooling fees so well-spent!

*****

Tomato looked at me and said "Mommy I  hardly recognised you today, you are looking so beautiful!" Awww

*****

Bacon prodding my tummy - "do you have a baby in here?"  Nice!

*****

We were on holiday in the Drakensberg and Tomato was not letting up on the fact that she couldn't find the scar on my tummy where she came out so eventually I took a deep breath and told her where she actually came out!  I waited for the horror to sink in but it was not what I expected........ she had no problem coming out there but she was mortified about how it must have smelled!!!  OMW!

*****

When we were leaving the Drakensberg we saw snow on the very tips of the mountains and the girls were very excited.  They were so excited that Tomato remembers seeing a polar bear and Bacon a penguin!!  Not reliable eye-witnesses!


June 2012

Bacon is learning some cute songs to sing for father's day at school.  One of them is to the tune of "My Bonnie lies over the ocean"  So I sang her the real version and she was very interested.  Later that day she asked me to "sing the bunny song"  it took me a while but she thinks Bonnie is Bunny.  I explained that it's Bonnie and she looked like she got it but later she said "let's sing the Barney song."  Yip when I started singing "I love you, you love me...." she got mad and said "No!! The one where Barney is in the ocean"

*****

Tomato says I should get a taxi when my car gets old because then I can take Granny and Grandpa and Mema and Dot-the-domestic around all at the same time!



May 2012

Last night Tomato joined me and hubby in bed at around 1am, we're all not very well at the moment.  She woke me up at 3am telling me that Lettuce was crying. I got up and she said "you and daddy are snoring so loudly you can't even hear the monitor. I have to do it."

*****

Driving to swimming today Bacon says "what the heck is that tree?"
Tomato: "Bacon!!!  stop saying that!  When you say a bad word like that you hurt God's feelings!  Promise you'll never use that word again."  [yes ma'am]

*****

Tomato and Lettuce got their first pet, a bunny, today.  Tomato firstly was so happy she cried and then she ran into the road and told nobody in particular "I have a pet!!!!  It's a bunny!!"

Not long later she was in tears after chasing said bunny for ages to try to hold her "You got me a pet that doesn't like me"

*****

Tomato realised that the underfloor heating was on in my bathroom.  She dropped to the floor and started flailing around, like she was making a snow angel, to warm up!


April 2012

Bacon "Mommy please can I play on your iPod?"
Me "No you and your sister have had enough screen-time today"
Bacon arguing "I've been good, I haven't had any scream-time today!!" 


*****

We were chatting in the car today and Tomato asked what speed I was going, so I told her 80. She said we should rather go at 40 so I said "40 is very slow". She thought for a while and then said "how old are you again Mommy?" What do you thinks she's trying to say????

*****

Tomato decided she wanted to wash up today.  She was so excited that she wanted me to come and see but I was Skyping with Dororthy in Oz.  Hubby told her that I was on the phone and she said "no she's not!!"  so he tried to tell her that I was busy but she said "She is on Skype, do you think that you can see people when you phone therm?  No, that's Skype!!"

*****

Bacon all of 3 years old goes outside with her sister and stops, takes a deep breath and says "What a beauuutiful day"  



January 2012

Tomato seeing a pregnant lady's tummy and then looking at mine .  "Mommy why do you still have Lettuce's house?"


*****

Tomato tells me that she dropped her water bottle in the toilet at school today. I said "oh yuk we better Jik it when we get home" so she says "No don't worry mommy it still tastes fine!" Lovely and I gave her a huge hello kiss!!

*****

December 2011

Awkward question of the week from Tomato "Mommy what's dagga?"



October 2011

Tomato overheard me telling Hubby last night that his Facebook wall is so active it's blocking up my newsfeed. Very seriously she asked "why are you going to unlike Daddy?"


*****

Bacon was very grumpy with a girl who pushed her. She calls her her enemy! I told her that's not nice, then she said that's her name. Took me a while but figured out her name is EMILY! 


July 2011

Interesting question from Tomato (5) in the car this morning: Mommy how nice is it to be you? Makes you think, how nice IS IT to be you?


*****

I thought I had a couple of years before my 5 year old knew more than me! Today she showed me a pic of a dinosaur and proudly told me it is a Triceratops!! A what?? 


*****

Tomato (5): Where do you get a baby? 
Me: it grows from a seed in your tummy. 
T: how does the seed get in your tummy? 
Me: Daddy puts it there. 
T: How? 
*deathly silence* 
T: Do you swallow the seed? 
Me (battling not to laugh): yes. 
T: but you just swallow daddy's seed, you don't chew it hey? 
OMW!! Haven't stopped laughing since!!


June 2011

Bacon (2) screaming: "I don't wanna sleep" full tantrum, kicking and screaming. Where is she now? Lying face down on the carpet in her bedroom fast asleep! Parenting is not for sissies!!


*****


It is apparently not only "unasseptable" that I am allowed juice with dinner and Tomato only water but "TOTALLY unasseptable." Said juice was exiting via my nostril after that comment!


*****

Tomato to Bacon "what's that great smell?" 
Bacon "the wee in my nappy." (lovely!!) 
T: "no the yummy smell" 
B:"that's dinner." 
Wait til they realise it's butternut soup - won't be so great then ;-)


*****

Bacon was looking at herself in the mirror singing the Barney song "I love you, you love me" I thought how cool, such great self esteem! Then she switched to baa baa black sheep. 
There goes that theory!


May 2011

Just checked on little Bacon. She was fast asleep sans her fleecy winter PJs which were merrily replaced by her favourite flimsy summer skirt! She was icy.



April 2011

Bacon is potty training. Sitting on the loo she says "you can't put wee on a doggy" so I agree that would be bad. I pass her the paper to wipe and she refuses because the paper has doggies on it!! Darn good point, why the hell do we have dogs on our toilet paper??


March 2011


Tomato: "I can't find the tortoise that the gardener saw last week" Me: "It must have decided to go home, he was only visiting" Tomato: "But his home is on his back!" Oops!


February 2011

Tomato (4):"Our car is so pretty Mommy, nobody else has a rainbow on the back window." Oops! I guess it's time to wash my car!


*****

While we were walking to the pool, me in my sarong, sun hat and cossie, Bacon said 
"Mommy you look just like a princess." Tomato stopped dead in her tracks, had a good look at me and said 
"You really do Mommy." Thanks sweeties xxx


*****

Bacon (2½): "I need to wipe I've got beefroot on my hands." 
Well at least she's eating her beefroot.



January 2011

Tomato looking all over my stomach "Mommy where is the scar where Bacon and me came out?" 
Me "Ummm don't know where it went now....."


*****

Tomato: "Mommy why did the dinosaurs die?" 
Me "Um.." 
Tomato: "An asteroid hit the earth and froze everything, silly" 
Me: "Oh yes now I remember" *gulp* 


*****

Starting with "I eat waterlemon" (read watermelon) this morning, to having my face gently stroked, followed by a noisy looong wet kiss tonight, this mommy is counting her blessings.



"Just getting the knots out" says Bacon brushing my leg. Oops better book that wax 


December 2010

My 5 year old niece sitting on the couch and me leaning over the table to give her a drink: "Aunty Lisa when you lean forward I can see your boobs". Thanks Sweetie!


*****

"What happens if I never get a boyfriend?" not words that I was expecting from my 4 year old Tomato!! She suddenly realised that her daddy is my "boyfriend" not hers! 

Note to self: never try to explain date night to a 4 year old. Sneak out like a teenager!


*****

Family nudist camp was open today. Got back from a party, both girls stripped off and REFUSED to get dressed. They then painted each others faces and bums and did a parade for Grandma! Sorry mom, don't know who brought their mother up so badly ;-)


*****


Me "Come on girls it's bed time" Tomato "No thank you Mommy!" Polite rebellion.


November 2010

I have been spotted licking my knife (by the midget police) and this is VERY naughty. I now have to go to time out because I just don't LISTEN!! Woohoo 39 minutes (1 for each year of my age) on the step without being talked to, not doing anything and nobody is allowed to come near me!! Tomorrow I'm gonna play with matches ;-)


*****


Me to Tomato while I'm digging in my bag for coins "What are you going to wish for in the wishing fountain?" 
"A new baby sister called Rainbow!!!" 
Me: "Oops sorry sweetie I can't find a single coin! Dodged a bullet there!! 


*****

Tomato (4): "Mommy, I want a new baby sister but this time I want a brown one!" 
Wonder if she's still gonna call her Rainbow??


October 2010

4 Year old Tomato to her 2 year old sister while staring out the window
"Isn't it interesting how the Hadedas are big when they're close and get smaller when they fly away." 
We better start saving for varsity!!!


September 2010

We have a story book that I read to the children quite often. It is about Mickey Mouse who is asked by his friend to look after his pet shop while he is away and some of the pets escape and scare a customer but it ends so nicely with Mickey taking a puppy as payment and that puppy is Pluto. Such a cute story. Tomato asks after I finish reading.

"Why is that lady scared of the mice running around the shop? 

So I explain that some people don't like mice and although they are harmless, some people just get a fright. I thought I was home free until she said 

"Then why isn't she scared of Mickey? He's a mouse!"  

*speechless*


December 2008

I was getting ready for work and had just stepped out of the shower. Tomato arrived and came face to face with my privates. She took one look and said "woof woof" which is the sound she makes when I show her a dog in a story book!!


August 2007

We were at a funeral for one of my mom's best friends. The minister, coming to the end of his sermon, was saying "ashes to ashes, dust to dust......." Tomato yells out "bye bye!!"